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Tomorrow I am going to Manchester to meet some friends for lunch. There's a new branch of Krispy Kreme in Manchester. I can hardly wait.
Is a dozen too many? Harry will help eat them (probably). And they last a few days ... I mean, I haven't had one since the 13 March, so it works out at twelve doughnuts in more than two months, which is perfectly reasonable, isn't it?
Mark Malkoff came up with the completely insane idea of visiting every Starbucks in Manhattan in 24 hours. All 171 of them. Pointless, but strangely compelling.
Oh and look out for an appearance by Mark Linn-Baker - Larry from Perfect Strangers. Remember Perfect Strangers? How I loved Balki Bartokomous. "Don't be so ridikalous!"
On Saturday we went to the supermarket and spent over £100. I was not happy. I suggested to David that might last us til Christmas, but he just laughed. £100! Outraged. But that's not my point. My point is that £2 of that was spent on two tins of Spam. Yes, Spam. Yes, I know I claim to not eat red meat, but I'm in a place where if I fancy something, I allow myself to eat it and, for some unholy reason, I fancied Spam.
It could be that the packaging appeals to the nostalgic part of me (which, as we know, is a pretty big part of me). It could be that it reminds me of my nan (Saturday nights: Juliet Bravo, the Generation Game). I may well be horribly disappointed when I actually taste the stuff, but I'll let you know.
As for the other kind of spam -email spam - the stuff I've been getting has been pretty boring lately. Lots of stuff about "Adobe Suites" and this one, which I love:
$272,000 loan (Approved refinance) for a low month payment.
Seriously, would anyone fall for that? But then this one made me laugh a lot.
Subject: We recommend you to take two tablets once a day, after a meal.
Oh really? What for?
The body grows and develops GRADUALLY, not over night!
Well, that's certainly true.
This is why MegaDik is the greatest breakthrough product in the history of male enhancement!
I do not know if it's the "greatest breakthrough product", I do know it's the greatest named product.
Does exactly what it says on the tin. Just like Spam (chopped pork and ham). God, I'm clever today.
*I haven't seen Spamalot yet, but I do have the soundtrack and this line from You Won't Succeed on Broadway (if you don't have any Jews) makes me laugh every time: "There's a very small percentile who enjoys a dancing Gentile." Genius.
[pic via Swiss Miss (who I love)]
The Fabulous Bakin' Boys Chocolate Cupcakes
I could eat the whole box in one go and not even feel sick. Much. And does anyone know what's happened to Entemann's? I used to love their chocolate doughnuts. And their brownies. And their chocolate cake. And now I can't find them anywhere.
Tesco's Green bags
Now I know this is going to make me the saddest of all nerds, but I really really love the new Tesco's reusable bags. Never mind your Anya Hindmarch, the Big Green Bag and Small Green Bag make me very happy indeed. There's a pocket to stand your wine upright. They're big enough to fit tons of shopping and they're square so you can arrange everything neatly *and* they stand up in the boot of the car. It's the simple things...
Living etc magazine
Pure escapism.
Poncey tea
When we were in Canada last year, the B&B had a tea drawer. A draw full of those little envelopes of fruit and herb teabags. When we got back, I emptied the junk drawer in the kitchen (well, I emptied the junk into another draw in the front room) and started buying various teas. Little did I know that the majority of herbal teas no longer come in the little envelopes. That's great for the environment, but no so good for my tea drawer.
Anyway, I've got green tea, detox tea, dandelion tea and we did buy a Sleepytime tea, but it knocked the pair of us out so comprehensively that we felt hung-over the following day so that had to go.
The other day I bought two boxes of Celestial Seasonings tea: Tension Tamer and Lemon. I love them both. I have the lemon first thing (proper tea's just not refreshing enough first thing, I find) and the Tension Tamer mid-afternoon - around the time I glance at the clock and realise I probably shouldn't have spent so much time fannying around on Facebook after all. I also bought a London Tea Company tea, which I'd been put off because it's the most expensive one there is, but it was lavender and camomile. I loved the idea of lavender tea and it's also got this clever eco-friendly origami packaging. I'm a sucker for a gimmick, me. Anyway, it's delish and I'm very glad I bought it.
Two glasses of red wine + one bottle of lager + one glass of champagne = two and a half hour "nap" this afternoon.
I'll blog about Caroline's party tomorrow. Today I'll be mostly sitting on the sofa, thinking about how pathetic I am.
David loves Hawksbee & Jacobs on TalkSport and though I'm not particularly interested in sport, I quite like it too. The other day they were talking about American football star Tank Johnson who recently spent 60 days in prison and ordered in his own food. This food:
| Beef sticks | 162 |
| Honey buns | 40 |
| Summer sausage | 35 |
| Chips | 35 |
| Coffee | 22 |
| Fruit punch | 10 |
| Tuna fish | 10 |
| Jalapeno cheese spread | 9 |
| Tortillas | 9 |
| Refried beans | 6 |
| Cookies | 6 |
| Reese's cups | 5 |
| Lemonade | 5 |
| Swiss rolls | 4 |
| Dill pickles | 3 |
| Sugar | 3 |
| Cream | 3 |
| Oatmeal sandwiches | 3 |
| Bag of Jolly Ranchers | 2 |
| Butterfingers | 2 |
| Peanut butter bars | 2 |
| Cupcakes | 1 |
I enjoyed Hawksbee's comment that Tank only ordered one cupcake because he didn't want to make a pig of himself, but the report in the Chicago Sun-Times made me laugh quite a lot too:
"He also appeared to try to put together a Mexican dinner, ordering nine tortillas, six packs of refried beans and nine packages of jalapeno cheese spread during his stay."
I love that, "He also appeared to try..." Brilliant. It sounds like he was being studied. "Tortillas? Refried beans? He appears to be trying to put together a Mexican dinner! Get the camera!"
It also made clear that "nutritionists don't advise anyone to follow Johnson's food choices". Heh.
Remember I said I was going to try and do more cooking? Well, I have. I've cooked dinner twice this very week, in fact.
The first thing I cooked for myself because David was out: Halibut in green tea broth from Body+Soul magazine. Because I'm a doofus, I'd bought haddock instead of halibut and I didn't have any quinoa either (I knew I didn't, but thought I had cous cous, but I didn't have that either, so I had it with noodles). Edamame are, I believe, soy beans and Birds Eye does a frozen bag. Snow peas are, I think, sugar snap peas (either that or mange tout) - didn't have those either, so I used garden peas. But apart from all that (phew!) it was just like the picture... and it was delicious!
Then, night before last, I made this for me and D and it was wonderful. D thought it was a little dry so if I was to make it again, I'd probably add the juice of the lemon instead of just the zest, but I'd highly recommend it all the same.
A couple of weeks ago we bought a new fridge/freezer. David had broken the freezer compartment of the old fridge which meant it was constantly frosting up and had to be frequently defrosted, which is clearly a pain in the bum and also an environmental nightmare. Plus the previous owners left a small chest freezer in the cupboard under the stairs and, while useful, it took up a lot of space and also required frequent defrosting.*
So. I bought a fridge freezer and quite frankly it's changed my life. I have never known love for a fridge before, but every single time I open the door I get a little frisson of happiness (it's come to this ...).
Anyway, telling you about the delights of my fridge has reminded me that I haven't blogged about Stuff I've Been Cooking for a while. Let's see. I made these and they were quite delicious (we had them with cod), but I probably wouldn't bother making them again. I made French Toast, but I left the bread soaking in the egg for too long and it fell apart a bit and then the oil wasn't quite hot enough and it all went a bit wrong. I made lentil bolognese - with a bit of improvisation since I didn't have half the ingredients - but that was very tasty too. Tonight I'm making a spicy chicken, sweet potato, cous cous recipe from the last issue of Easy Living magazine. I'll tell you how it goes.
* Except we never did it and so once it had been switched off I had to scoop all the disgusting stagnant water** out with a measuring jug.
** Yes, it was disgusting because once I'd switched it off I forgot all about it and hadn't thought to leave the lid open and so when I did finally open it, I was hit by the very particular smell made by two week old melted ice and random loose defrosted chips, peas, and the odd prawn.
I've been listening to Ross Noble on Radio 4 as I've been writing this and he's just said, "Have you noticed how goths and pigeons always stay in the same place?" True!
I didn't bother updating on my progress last week, because there wasn't much to report - I'd continued to be disinterested in alcohol. But on Monday night me and D went out for dinner and, for the first time, I felt a bit put out not to be able to have a glass of wine. D wasn't bothered though, saying, "Great, you can drive!" and ordering himself a pint. Thinking of Kate's recommendation, I requested a ginger beer (I can never remember the difference between ginger ale and ginger beer; is there one?). The barman asked if I wanted a pint and I, laughing, said, "Oh, no!" So he gave me a tiny wine glass. I would've felt a bit hard done by had it had wine in it, let alone a soft drink, but whatever. Live and learn.
Then later in the week a couple of traumatic things happened (haven't yet decided whether to blog about them or not, but don't worry, all's okay now) that made me really, really, want a glass of Bailey's, but I didn't have one and that was fine too.
I must admit, I am looking forward to 1st February though ...
So much to say ... where to begin ... ?
I'm a little bit scared and feeble because I've been curled up in front of the pooter in my lovely cosy office all day while slates, fence panels, small dogs, witches on bicycles, etc., have flown past my little window. I don't like it. At all. Plus I haven't been able to go out and not only do I have a bunch of stuff that must be posted asap, but there are also no biscuits (and very little food in general) in the house. How am I supposed to cope with this armageddonesque weather without dark chocolate Digestives? Huh?
But more importantly, Trashionista has been nominated for two awards by the Glam network: Best Tagline ("We read books like they're going out of fashion!") and Best Daily Read. Woo-hoo!
It would be delightful if you would vote. Our categories are on pages 9 and 10 and voting closes on 24 January. Ta muchly.
I'm sure you're all gagging to know what me and H got up to yesterday on Mummy and Harry's Big Day Out. We went to Chorley! Yes, Chorley! We went to Woollies and then then met Daddy for lunch. Then we went to WH Smith and bought CBeebies magazine and then Harry fell asleep on the bus home and didn't even wake up when the bus stopped and I had to carry him home and put him in bed. Can I just point out that when I carry Harry and his head is on my shoulder, his feet reach my knees. In other words, he's two and a half years old and two thirds of my height.
Which reminds me. I've been listening to Radio Four's News Quiz on t'internet. I'd never heard it before and enjoyed it very much. So much that I found one in the archives and listened to that too. Andy Hamilton was a guest and commented that he hates the expression "vertically challenged" because it suggests that if you work hard enough you can overcome it, he said, "I'm not vertically challenged, I'm vertically defeated."
David just phoned and I asked him to buy something nice for tea because apparently it's the end of the world. "Get something end of the world-ish," I said. "Like what?" he replied. "A Viennetta?"
Oh and I also finally - finally! - realised that I could watch the latest series of Gilmore Girls on YouTube. Sometimes my brain is quite shockingly slow. So I watched the first one and it was okay. I'm about halfway through the second one and I still haven't noticed a desperate drop in standards from the old days, but then it had gone off the boil a bit by the sixth series anyway, perhaps if I watched a new one and then a first series one I'd see the difference, but doing that is what put me off The West Wing so I'd better not. Talking of The West Wing ...
Well, I said I wanted to cook more and promised/threatened to tell you about the recipe I made from O magazine. It's from the November 2006 issue, from a book called The Improvisational Cook by Sally Schneider. There was Pasta with a Fried Egg and Parmigiano (parmesan) and Asparagus with a Fried Egg and Parmigiano and I did a little bit of my own improvisation and combined them.
I never would have thought to put a fried egg with pasta but it worked really well. You can also add bacon, if you like that sort of thing and, of course, you can take out the asparagus, but you do need to eat your greens, you know.
Anyway, it's really easy. Just boil up some spaghetti (I used linguine because David claims not to like spaghetti - ???) and you can steam the asparagus over the spaghetti pan. Then fry an egg in olive oil. Stir some (about half a cup) grated fresh parmesan into the pasta. Put the asparagus on top of the spaghetti and the fried egg on top of that, then add salt, pepper, extra parmesan to your little heart's delight.
The recipe says to instruct your guests to break the yolk and toss the egg with the pasta. I did this and it was sublime - rich without being sickly. Fab.
So the first alcohol-free week is over. How did it go? Fine, actually. I only usually drink red wine at home but, of course, David bought me two giant bottles of Bailey’s for Christmas and I love Bailey’s.
I tried to stop drinking red wine early last year, for the reasons I outlined at the time. It never actually tastes as good as I think it’s going to and it gets me drunk and makes me hate myself. And I don’t like hating myself. So there was half a bottle of red left and I poured it away (once I’d recovered from my New Year hangover, of course).
I’ve only been tempted by the Bailey’s once and that was just before the Green Wing Special. I thought, ‘Ooh, I’ll have a nice glass of Bailey’s’ and then I thought, ‘Oh no, I can’t.’ And that was it.
Having read the relevant chapter of Mary Carlomagno’s book, she’s out all the time and not drinking when you’re out is really hard, I know. I have no plans to go out at all during January (yeah, I know I’m sad) so it should be a breeze. We’ll see.
One of the things that should've been on my to do list yesterday was that I'm finally sending a long-awaited parcel to Maureen in Canada. When me and D went to Toronto in May, Maureen and her husband Jeff were kind enough to show us around and D promised to send Jeff something (it was something he sort of wants, not just "I'll send you a little something ...") when we got home. Of course, soon it became my job (how does that happen?) and I, um, haven't done it. For, er, six months. It's been sitting on my desk though - that's almost done, isn't it? No?
Anyway, I digress. To make up for the heinous lateness of the parcel, I suggested that Maureen and Jeff might like me to send something else as well. Something English. Something they can't get in Canada. Maureen requested "a typically English treat". Hmmm. I thought Marmite, but first of all you probably can get that in Canada and second of all, lots of people hate it. I would love to send either an Egg Custard Tart or some Eccles Cakes, but I'm not convinced they'd survive the journey. (Same goes for cucumber sandwiches. Also, they're crap.)
So any suggestions? What's a typically English treat (that will survive being posted to Canada)?
On Thursday I went to see a Naturopathic Nutritionist to try and do something about the stiffness and numbness in my hands (and occasionally toes).
Oh, I forgot to mention that on Tuesday morning we got a new mattress. I had thought the mattress might have something to do with the hand problem, because I don't have half as much trouble with my hands when I sleep in different beds. So last Sunday me, D and H went to a bed shop and rolled around on numerous mattresses and quickly decided that a memory foam mattress was the way to go. David was against springs because we could feel all the springs in our old mattress (it was a very cheapo one) and I just loved the memory foam because it was soooooo soft and comfy.
Years ago I slept on a mattress that you sank into like marshmallow and that you had to climb out of in the morning, and I've been trying to find one like that ever since. Typically, the mattress all three of us loved (Harry lay face down, eyes closed, wiggling his bum in the air) cost £949!!!!!! So we ordered a similar-sounding one online for considerably less (and with a 60 day trial period).
So it arrived on Tuesday, rolled up in a box, and while I was out with Tamara, David put it on the bed. When I got home I asked him if it was fantastic and he said, 'Meh'. This isn't unusual from David, but when I threw myself onto it, I pretty much bounced right back off. Rock hard. And it had a 4/10 softness rating. Some of the others were 7/10 - they must be like concrete. Still, now we've slept on it for a few nights, it definitely softens up as you're lying on it and it's considerably better than the other one, but if I want my marshmallow bed, I'd better get saving.
So, where was I? Oh yes, Naturopathic Nutritionist. So we chatted for about - seriously - two hours. She asked all about my childhood - illnesses, teenage "feelings" (!), any traumatic experiences and on and on. Oh and my family background - grandparents' and parents' health, etc. She asked about my pregnancy and Harry's birth and how my health's been since and finally said that I'm actually extremely healthy - which I knew since I'm hardly ever ill and the only time I've been in hospital was to have Harry - but that a couple of things jumped out at her. Firstly the first sign of ill-health was glandular fever a few years ago which she put down to having been on the pill for so long. Then she said I'm dehydrated and probably have been all my life. In fact, she reckons - based on my "ancestors" health - that I was probably born dehydrated! Blimey.
She explained how the body works to get rid of toxins (and even drew little diagrams) and, I have to be honest, it all makes sense. I've read it enough times, I know the body is something like 80% water and the brain even more, but for some reason that doesn't translate to how important it is to actually drink it. I do drink loads of water, but she tells me I have to drink even more. Minimum, minimum, four pints a day: one as soon as I get up, one half an hour before lunch, another half an hour before dinner and another through the evening (but that's when I drink my red wine!).
Oh and she doesn't think I go to the loo enough, if you know what I mean, so I need to soak a tablespoonful of linseeds in a glass of water for 12-18 hours and drink it each day. I've done this for a few days and you don't taste the linseeds; it's just, as she put it, "thickened water". Yum.
She also said I need to take a fish oil supplement. I can't be bothered explaining it (if you're really interested, email me - it is actually pretty interesting) but basically we can get one of the fish oils via food but not the other and so we need to supplement it. So now I'm taking a spoonful of fish oil daily (along with lecithin otherwise the fish oil doesn't "stick"). It's not totally gross, it kind of tastes like the oil sardines come in. Gah.
The other thing I know, but still can't be bothered to do much about is partially-hydrogenated vegetable oils. She said that's the worst thing you can put in your body. She said I can continue to eat biscuits, but only if I make them myself. With butter. That's the kind of order I can get behind.
Finally she reckoned it would benefit me to give up dairy and wheat. I know this. I believe this. But it's still not going to happen. I'll try and cut down. Well, I'll think about trying to cut down. Maybe. When I've finished the carrot cake and ciabatta I bought on Friday. And the ice-cream. Hey, that means no lattes! Yeah. Never gonna happen.
Last time I blethered on wrote about how much I love Starbucks, David was worried I'd be barraged with angry emails from anti-globalisationists. He was wrong. (The only angry emails I've ever received were from those Green Wing freaks fans.)
But let me tell you a little story about Starbucks. On Sunday I went to Borders to read through my manuscript of Forget Me Not. I needed to do it in peace and quiet and, of course, at home there is washing-up to ignore, hoovering to avoid and a small child to abandon in front of CBeebies (oh and since you ask, Maxine, we've been married 10 years - "being a wife" just involves making cups of tea). So off to Borders I went. I got there around about 12 so I ordered a decaf latte and some sort of chickpea panini that sounded a bit odd, but, you know, I'll try (almost) anything once.
So there I was crossing out words, making little notes, chortling to myself at how Carrie Bradshaw I am and then, about halfway through the panini, there was a tough bit. I almost just swallowed it anyway - I barely chew my food as it is, so it's no skin off my nose if something's inedible - but I decided, no, and spit it delicately into my hand. Don't worry, it was just a bit of wrapper (from the panini) that had somehow found its way inside the panini itself.
I mooched up to the counter and said, expecting nothing, "Er .. there was a bit of wrapper in my panini". The staff reacted as if I'd brought them a little toe or something. I ended up reassuring them that it was fine, these things happen, it was only a bit of plasticky paper, it would've been different if it'd been a plaster (or a condom, as David suggested), but no harm done, etc. In fact, another customer joined in and we shared stories of wet wipes in Chinese takeaways and slugs in salads until the Starbucks staff came around from their swoon. Bless em.
Well. They offered me a replacement sandwich, but I'd eaten quite a lot of it and was no longer hungry. So they gave me a free latte. And three vouchers for future free drinks. And a refund on my sandwich.
And today I received a letter of apology and £10 in Starbucks vouchers.
So I don't care what people say, I *heart* Starbucks.
Failed. Was stuffing Harry with Milky Bar Buttons to keep him quiet while the man fixed the telly (and, of course, CBeebies went off) and I absentmindedly shoved a few in my own mouth. It was only when Harry had had enough (!) and I thought Right! I'll finish these! that I remembered. Oh no!
I've just made a shocking decision. I can't quite believe it and I wanted to get it committed to .. er .. screen before I change my mind.
I'm giving up chocolate for Lent. During the Diet From Hell (as prescribed last year by an acupuncturist/naturopath to cure my probably-not-as-it-turns-out-arthritis) I avoided mass-market chocolate, only eating good quality dark chocolate, and that seemed to work for me. I don't think I do well with sugar and Cadbury chocolate is like crack to me. Gradually, though, I've crept back (via Galaxy and their evil Ripples) to loitering in the choccie aisle trying to choose between a Dipped Flake, a Crunchie or a Double Decker (or maybe I should go mad and have a Lion Bar?). It's got to stop.
On Saturday I bought two large bars of Green & Black's dark chocolate - the plan being that I could have as much of that as I wanted as long as I kept off the hard stuff - but a Dipped Flake, Crunchie and half a packet of Harry's Buttons later, I'm thinking that's not working for me.
I just saw Martin Kemp on Loose Women (It's back! Back!) talking about how he's given up chocolate and I realised that's what you're meant to do for Lent, aren't you? It's not all pancakes and .. er .. more, um, pancakes. The decision was made. Hastily.
So when does it start then? Is it Wednesday? Cos I've got two large bars of Green & Black's to eat before then, you know. And how long does it last? I'm afraid to find out. But this will be a good thing, I'm almost sure. You never know, it might give me the energy to start running again! I'll keep you updated. Wish me luck. (I'm going for a little weep now.)
It's finally over between me and red wine. It's been coming for a long time. I just don't enjoy it like I used to. In the past, I'd pour myself a glass of red and it'd be like sinking into a warm bath; lately it's just been habit. The first glass is usually okay .. but not great. The second .. eh. The (inevitable) third .. hard work. And then I'm drunk. And I hate being drunk.
I don't like myself enough to drink. Until I read Park and Ride by Miranda Sawyer, I didn't know about what she calls The Fear. I didn't know that most people, after a night's drinking, wake up at 4am hating themselves and wondering what they did and said and who they offended. I thought it was just me. And since I spend a lot of time worrying about what I did and said and who I offended when sober, drinking is not a good thing for me.
I hate hangovers. I hate being sick. I hate worrying about what I got up to. I hate even more when I can't remember what I got up to and then it comes back to me in dribs and drabs making me worry if there are bits that haven't come back. If red wine was worth it that'd be one thing. But it's not. Not any more.
I'm not giving up drinking altogether - there's a bottle of Bailey's that wants finishing, for one - but me and red wine (in fact, all wine - I haven't been able to drink white since I turned 30) have reached the end of the road.
Why is it that two glasses of wine is not enough, but three is too much?
There is something about Autumn that makes me want to eat. And eat. And eat. Stews and soups and chips and biscuits and Galaxy Ripples. David seems quite concerned, but I've just decided that I'm fattening up for Winter. Like a squirrel. And then, in Spring, I'll lose whatever weight I've gained. Probably.
Now, while I was looking for a picture of a squirrel for illustrative purposes, I found this picture of a flying squirrel, which, for reasons I can't explain, scares the shit out of me.
I don't really, I *hate* McDonald's. I thought Fast Food Nation was disgusting enough, but I'm reading Morgan Super Size Me Spurlock's Don't Eat This Book and I'm horrified anew. Listen to this:
In an amazing display of collective insanity, the meat producers of [the US] are feeding all sorts of animals to the animals they feed to us. Dead pigs and dead horses are ground up for cattle feed, and so are dead chickens. A lot of chicken manure gets mixed up into the feed in the process, so the cows are not only eating chicken, but chicken shit, which can spread salmonella, tapeworms and chemicals like arsenic. Not only are cows fed dead chickens, but chickens are fed dead cows. (Cue "The Circle of Life" from The Lion King.)
You want to hear something really disgusting? The cattle industry buys millions of dead cats and dogs from animal shelters every year, then feeds them to the cattle who end up in your burger. Oh, and they do the same with roadkill.
I have no words ... just retching and spluttering noises. Thank God I don't eat beef and haven't done for about sixteen years, but still. Yeuch. But wait, there's more.
Apparently McDonald's "food" is so crammed full of chemicals it doesn't biodegrade or decompose or whatever. You know how if you had, say, a chicken breast and you left it on, say, your mantlepiece for a while (I don't know why you'd do that, it's an experiment, okay?). Well after a while it'd start to stink and it'd get all disgusting and presumably eventually maggot-infested. Not a McChicken Sandwich. Spurlock hid one in a friend's office for a prank and the friend only found it by accident months later. No smell, no nothing. And the friend said it looked as if Spurlock had bought it "yesterday".
A guy called Matt Malgrem has collected and kept a burger for each year, going back as far as 1991. He doesn't do anything to preserve them; he keeps them on the bookshelves in his living room. He says, "They still smell like burgers ... you can see the special sauce, lettuce and pickle on the top bun, and cheese below the bottom patty. The buns tend to get fragile over time, but th rest of the stuff stays pretty much the same. The most amazing thing about this is the meat. It retains its shape and colour - [the burgers from each year] look exactly the same."
Spurlock: Food isn't supposed to be indestructible. Food is supposed to decay if just left sitting around. Food is supposed to be the most biodegradable of all products. Now ask yourself this: What allows this food to defy nature? And what is this indestructible, nonbiodegradable McFood doing to your body? You know the answer: nothing good.
I've got to stop with the chocolate.
I was doing so well - one square of dark chocolate after lunch, one square after dinner. Then it was two. Then it was more. Then I bought a Crunchie and so began the slippery slope which ended in me eating a family sized bar of Dairy Milk Bubbles in two goes (I don't mean two mouthfuls, I'm not that greedy; I mean I ate half of it before my dinner and the other half after). And have you had Dairy Milk Bubbles? It's not even nice. (I'd requested Dairy Milk Crunchie, but David hadn't been paying attention.)
Anyway, sugar isn't good for my arthritis and, since I still haven't done any running (I'm too busy!), it's not good for my chances of fitting into my holiday clothes either. So. I've made a decision. The rest of August is a chocolate free zone. No chocolate, no chocolate biscuits, no chocolate ice-cream. Enough.
When I was pregnant I developed tenderness and stiffness in my hands which has continued since Harry was born. I went to the doctor who basically said 'It's arthritis - tough luck'. So, as one of my new things to do, last Wednesday I went to see a homeopath. Turned out he was actually a naturopath, acupuncturist and dietician too. So instead of giving me some little tablets he put me on an elimination diet to see if something I'm eating is making it worse. So for a week here's what I'm allowed to eat:
Apples
Pears
Grapes
Peaches
Melons
Strawberries
Raspberries
Blackberries
Blackcurrants
Lettuce
Cress
Celery
Cucumber
Beetroot
Tomatoes
Carrots
Onions
Garlic
Peppers
Cottage cheese
Unsalted nuts
Mushrooms
Apple juice
Grape juice
Weak tea
Here's what I'm not allowed to eat:
Everything else.
Oh and all that stuff has to be raw. Yum.
The good news is my hands are greatly improved. They don't wake me up during the night and they didn't bother me during my driving lesson (I usually have to keep massaging them and, by the end of the lesson, my little fingers are murder).
Other good news is that it's made me realise - not to sound too Oprah about it - how much power I've given food in my life. In the past week I haven't worried about how much I'm eating, how often, whether I'm full and should stop eating, whether what I'm eating is healthy enough that I can carry on eating it, whether I'm hungry, whether I'm drinking enough water, eating enough fruit and veg. I make my salad and I eat it. And at teatime I make my salad and I eat it. It's been really ... freeing.
Also, it's made me realise how my life revolves around food. I thought 'Ooh, my first Mother's Day: breakfast in bed'. Yeah, I had breakfast in bed. But it was half a melon. And then I said 'Ooh, we can take your mother out for lunch!' David cooked. They had chicken lasagna and red wine. I had a salad and grape juice. A cup of tea doesn't hold the same appeal when you can't dunk a biscuit in it (and when there's no sodding milk in it). The cinema - dull without popcorn. The Sunday Papers without a bar of chocolate? Haven't even read them. Work on a Friday without a Starbucks latte? Still haven't recovered. I look forward to that sodding latte all week.
I've struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. And then, when I was pregnant, I ate whatever I wanted and it was amazing. I thought I'd carry on like that (I didn't even put on much weight) but, of course, once Harry was born, the food guilt came back. I had been working on being able to eat without the little voice in my head saying 'should you be eating that?' and, once I'd accomplished that, planned to try and eat more healthily and mindfully.
In the past I've tried numerous diets and have hardly ever managed to stay on one for more than - ooh - a couple of weeks. I once agreed with some friends at work that Slimfast was a great idea if you only did it for a month as a "kick-start to sensible weight loss". Of course I could manage it for a month. God, it was only a month. One day I lasted. That stuff tastes disgusting!
Same goes for that Kellogg's thingy - two bowls of cereal a day for two weeks? Easy. I had a bowl for breakfast and, at lunch, thought - can't face another bowl of cereal. So how have I managed to stick to this regime for a week (almost)? I can't fail. I refuse to fail. It's the same thing thing that got 50,000 words done during NaNoWriMo. And has me running three times a week (though not this week - my Natural Doctor, Terence, advised me not to - hurrah!). There was no way on earth I was going to go and see Terence and tell him I hadn't managed it.
I have a friend who shares this, erm, characteristic. When her smear test result said 'satisfactory' she thought - Just satisfactory? How can I improve it next time?
I've decided that, now I know how to harness this .. erm .. aspect of my personality for good (rather than evil) it's the key to everything!!! I can't believe it's taken me almost 34 years (I know! I don't look it!) to work this out.
I have a confession. I love Starbucks. 
I mean, I really, really love Starbucks. It's not just the coffee - I drink decaf latte which is pretty much warm milk - I love the whole atmosphere. I don't know what it is. I think partly it's because it reminds me of being in America at a very hopeful and optimistic time in my life, but as soon as I walk into a Starbucks I feel a sense of promise. I'm serious. When I'm in a Starbucks I feel like there's nothing I can't do.
Yeah, I know they're a huge contributor to the homogenisation and Americanisation of culture and no different to McDonalds (I hate McDonalds) but I'm sorry, I don't care. I love to see a new Starbucks opening. There are three within five minutes of my office and that makes me very happy. If more opened it would make me even happier. A different Starbucks for every day of the week!
I thought about buying an espresso machine recently. They're really cheap in Argos and they've got a milk frother attached so I could make my own lattes each morning. But then I went off the idea and I've realised why. I don't need a coffee machine, I need a tiny Starbucks in the corner of my kitchen ...
I was almost starting to feel sorry for McDonald's. Their desperation is so obvious. The hideous new magazine adverts showcasing the new customers (who, as I've mentioned before, are not "real people" just intended as an example of a "customer type"). The new advert with the children's horror at the idea of a changed McNugget - "now made with chicken breast and less salt". What was it made with before? Chicken feet? The bloke who's worked there 25 years invited us to come over for a shake ...
Then I read about a new documentary - Super Size Me. Film-maker Morgan Spurlock had the idea to see what affect eating only McDonald's for a month would have on his health. He had to try everything on the menu, and he had to accept his meal Super Sized whenever it was offered.
It follows Spurlock from "pre-McDonald's health, cheer and good sex life to a post-McDonald's pit of dire health, spiritual listlessness and borderline impotency". He gained 25lbs in weight, his cholesterol rose by a third and his doctor "concluded that the constant intake of fast food was causing serious liver damage".
It apparently took him 14 months to return to his former physical condition.
Though McDonald's denies any connection, it announced that it would be phasing out Super Sizing the day before the film was released in the US.
Ha! This obviously is all great. Even thought I doubt any of the 'healthy choices' would be considered 'healthy' anywhere outside McDonald's, it's obviously a step in the right direction.
And, like I said, I was almost starting to feel sorry for them. And then I read this:
69% of 3-year-olds recognise the McDonald's M, but only 50% of 4 and 5-year-olds recognise their own name [written down].
You've got to admire McDonalds (well, you haven't really, you've got to hate them) but you've got to admire the lengths they're going to to change their image. The following advert in She made me laugh ...
(On the left-hand page)
New Food: Quorn Premiere
Our mouth-watering ... blah ... even better than it looks ... blah ... one of the surprises on our all-new Salads Plus menu ... blah.
(On the right-hand page)
New People: Anna
Aromatherapist Anna is typical of the new breed of customer attracted to McDonald's by our Salads Plus menu. Anna hates football, but loves Thierry Henry. She hates alcohol, but loves bars. She hates going by bus, but loves not having to worry about finding a parking space. She hates her job, but loves her boss. She hates rabbit food, but loves the new Chicken Caesar Salad at McDonald's.
I hate Anna
But then there's an asterisk and, at the bottom of the page:
Anna is intended to illustrate a possible customer-type and is not a real person.
Poor Anna.
In a shocking oversight, I forgot to mention that my beloved Barry was taken into hospital with chest pains. Apparently they were caused by stress because he'd spent two days in arbitration over the rights to his musical Harmony. He performed a couple of songs from Harmony last time I saw him and it sounded wonderful, so I hope he gets the rights back. And even in a time of crisis, he still manages to be the King of Cheese:
"My heart was broken, but the doctors put it back together, and I will continue to fight," Manilow said.
Ah, Barry. I love you. Get well soon.
Oh and talking of cheese, another pregnancy rec' - Jarlsberg. Apparently has the most calcium and the least fat of any cheese. Of course, it doesn't have much in the way of taste either, but it's good if you need something to nibble on. Oh and I got a disgusting sounding (and looking) Kiwi and Gooseberry Jam from Asda's Extra Special range and it's delish. Highest fruit and lowest sugar content of 'comparable' jams (or whatever) too.
Since we moved to North Manchester, each morning we pass a cake shop which has the most amazing wedding cakes in the window. Each day I plan to look it up on the internet and today I finally remembered. Now I'm not in the market for a wedding cake (or any kind of cake, I'm in a Dark Chocolate Digestive frame of mind - yes, even at 8am) but they are sooooooo beautiful. Look!
It was the "Zandra" that I originally noticed, but look at the "Fairytale Castle" and, oh my god, look at the individual desserts and chocolate pots. Sigh. Some people are so talented.
As most of you probably know by now I'm "with child". Knocked up. Bun in the oven. Er ... pregnant. Which is why I haven't been blogging much lately. I've nothing to blog about. All I do is sleep. Eat a bit. Sleep some more. Things have been looking up slightly in the last few days in that I no longer feel like something someone's stepped in, but still, sleep is my main pastime. So hopefully over the next few weeks all this will pass and in the "second trimester" I will, everyone keeps assuring me, feel fantastic and I'll be back on form. But at the moment - blah.
Some things I'm enjoying currently (well, when I say "enjoying", I mean they're making my life a little less crap):
The internet: for Christmas shopping without having to stand up.
The West Wing: even though it's on at 9pm (bedtime) so I had to sleep from 7 and get back up at 9, I refuse to miss it. Loving Will Bailey.
Worcester Sauce flavour French Fries (mmm ... potato granules): for being disgusting enough to keep me awake during the car journey home.
The Darkness: for being loud enough and funny enough to keep me awake for the car journey to work.
A Trip to the Stars by Nicholas Christopher: for being interesting and entertaining enough to keep me awake (briefly) at bedtime.
Boots Lavender Sleep plug-in thingy: for giving me the first mostly unbroken night's sleep for weeks (but now I've read it's not suitable during pregnancy - why? why?)
The Gap Adverts: for making me feel all wintry and Christmassy.
Pregnancy itself: for giving me a lovely dream last night featuring both Robbie Williams and Jason Orange. Bliss.
