Blame and shame

I've been thinking a lot about blame lately. Partly because David grew up being taught that everything was someone's fault. So if he knocked a glass of juice over, his mum would say, "What did you do that for?" (Um, a laugh?)

He has a tendency to do the same, but I'm gradually beating it out of him (only joking - I make him beat himself). The other day, Harry fell over and was howling in pain and shock. I was cuddling him and reassuring him when David's mum came in and said, to Harry, "Oh, you silly thing."

Now, I'm sure she thinks I'm a giant nellie and I *know* she thinks Harry is way too coddled (the other day she said something about Harry being too attached to his Middy. Really? Too attached? At age three? Yeah, probably about time I cut him loose...), but I think my job is to comfort and reassure, not to blame and criticise.

Of course, this doesn't work with blaming myself. I second-guess, question and agonise over every decision, however minimal. For example, Tuesday Harry got sent home from school because they thought he had sunstroke (he didn't; he was fine from the minute I "sprung" him). Yesterday Harry slept really late, plus we'd realised he was allergic to the suncream we'd been slathering him with and hadn't got round to getting anymore, plus I didn't feel very well and couldn't really face the bus journey and walk home. So I decided we'd take the day off.

And then I decided, no, we should go in. I thought about ringing other mums and arranging a suncream rendezvous. I thought about driving David to work so I would have the car, could drop Harry off, buy suncream, return to preschool, slather him up. I thought about getting David to go in late so he could take Harry and I could lie on the sofa with a damp cloth on my head. Of course, Harry slept through all of this and eventually I decided if he was still asleep at 8.15, he probably needed sleep more than he needed three hours of preschool.

Of course, as a backdrop to this, I was blaming myself that we hadn't noticed he was allergic to the suncream (we thought it was a heat rash) and kicking myself for not being organised enough to get more the night before, as planned. (Incidentally, I don't remember my parents ever putting suncream on me before school. Even in that sweltering summer of 76...)

As it turned out, Harry and I had a great day, culminating in his first poo on the potty (yes, he is nearly four, what of it?) so I felt justified in keeping him off. (After he tried to poo again this morning, he said, "That was 'tresting!"

This morning, as I was kissing Harry goodbye for the three hundredth time, one of the nursery nurses rushed past carrying my friend Karen's baby, William. Behind her was Karen, sobbing. As Karen passed me she said, "I dropped him. I dropped William."

As it turned out, William was not only fine, Karen hadn't dropped him at all - she'd tripped over some broken paving and had cut her arms, knee and hands protecting William. But her first instinct had been to blame herself.

You probably won't be surprised to hear I don't have any sort of conclusion - I just think it's 'tresting.

Comments

[Lucy Diamond]

Oh Gawd yes...how come we mums manage to blame ourselves for everything all the time, yet never take credit when good things happen?!
Great news on the poo. Hoorah!! And I love his comment - really made me laugh.
Sounds like you are a lovely caring mum, so just ignore those comments from your mother-in-law. From where I'm standing, Harry's a lucky boy!

[Claire]

oh shit! Allergic to suncream?
How did you know? Now I feel guilty? joseph came out in suspect heat rash like rash on his arms (sunscream central) in Spain and i've just been slathering it on since and he's prob allergic too...
Gah!

[Keris]

Thanks, Lucy. It's funny, I know I'm a good mum ... until someone suggests otherwise and then I'm a blubbering mess.

Claire, Harry's always had heat rashes since he was a baby, which is why we didn't think anything of it. But this time his torso was all rash-y and his face was bright red and red hot. Looked a bit like slapped cheek syndrome. Of course after three days of slathering on the suncream I thought maybe that might be the problem and finally washed his face (ok, wiped it with a babywipe) and voila it went back to its normal hue. The poor love.

I feel doubly awful because I picked up an all natural suncream last week in York and then put it down because it was £11 and I didn't think the sun would last long enough for me to get my money's worth (!) and so bought a £2.99 job from Morrisons instead. Sigh.

[maz]

Well, the good thing is that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Surely it's normal to want to cuddle your child when he/she's in shock and pain? That's part of the healing process. There's not enough hugging and cuddling in this world generally, as far as I'm concerned! I think it's far better to be a nellie than not a nellie.
And, well done to Harry for the potty usage! Bless him, he is just so jolly 'tresting himself.

[debs]

Hear what you're saying. Been there done it - got so many t-shirts some are already with Oxfam. And they grow up. Not only do you have to worry about what food they eat, what clothes they wear, what creams you use (love the Morrisons vs Posh cream dillema - & I'd have done 'Zactly the same!)but there're bigger scarier issues out there that they start needing guidance through and, the cost of 'In' clothing aside, there's Birds/Bees/Tinternet/SATS/Dating/Makeup to contend with too!
Hey ho!