Keris Stainton

Try ...

... this.  It will drive you insane.

Heartbeat

Midwife yesterday.  Heard (and taped!) baby's heartbeat.  Fantastic. 

Played it Pulp Babies this morning, but no reaction ...

Not mentioned any reading for a while ... I've read, and enjoyed, Hannah's Gift by Maria Housden (a memoir about a 3 year old dying of cancer - not great pregnancy reading, but a really amazing book) and really enjoyed The Time-Traveler's Wife by Audrey Nifenegger, but I'm not really finding anything grabbing me lately.  Need a really juice can't-put-down book. 

Of course, any book I find and think I'm going to really enjoy gets put aside to take to New York.  So far I've got Seabiscuit, The Dante Club and Forever Amber.

Classical music, don't you know

Dreamt last night that I was ice-skating in a nightclub with Kiefer Sutherland who, for some reason, was speaking with a Russian accent.  He was very sexy. 

Baby also likes Pulp This Is Hardcore, especially Help The Aged.  Have to try it with some Manilow next. 

Went to a classical recital at St Ann's Church yesterday lunchtime - seemed like a cosy getting out of the snow thing to do.  It was a Shostakovich string quartet and it was ... different.  I'm not familiar with Shostakovich (I'm not familiar with much classical music really) but a lot of it sounded like violently angry bees to me.  Amazing though to see these four girls from the Royal Northern College of Music who looked about 15 making this amazing sound.  Made me think about how I should have learned to play an instrument (other than the recorder) and how I hope the baby does.  Probably not the violin though (sorry, Ang'). 

Did you see Madonna on Will & Grace?  How, how does she manage to stink up everything she appears in?  I think it was the least funny episode of W&G I've ever seen.  Ever!

Received this e-mail a couple of days ago

Your site Contains Mild Peril (http://www.keris.blogspot.com) has recently been
linked to by Free Online Adult Personals (http://www.meetpeopleforsex.com) using the www.blogLinker.com system.

Pardon me?  There is no link (and I haven't provided one above either!) but, you know, if you're interested ...

Just read that Justin Hawkins has split up with his "long time love" and is now "making sweet music" with someone new.  I read this in The Sun, obviously.  But Justin - I'm available.  Well, I'm not.  But still.  Couldn't you have waited for me? 

Very disturbed last night watching Jordan and Peter Andre "flirting".  Further disturbed by another weird pregnancy dream.  This one involved Gwyneth Paltrow who was one of my best friends and spent a lot of the dream crying.  I think she was marrying Ben Affleck, although it wasn't clear.  J'Lo was there too and seemed to be trying to win Ben away from Gwyn.  At one point we were in a lift and it shot out of the top of the building and into the sky.  I did not like that bit. 

I also dreamt I was talking to Cheryl Baker about when I used to be in Bucks Fizz with Bruce Willis.  Why?  Why?  This poor child. 

Ooh, couple more preg recs while I think on.  If, like me, you are failing to glow (this also applies if not pregnant) get Barbara Daly Face Lift cream from Tesco.  �6.00 and perks your skin right up. 

Also lovely Boots alarm clock to wake up to gentle light and birdsong instead of horrible shrill alarm.  (Bought yesterday for £30, just realised it's £15 online.  Now I'll have to buy another one and take the first one back, for heaven's sake!) 

Also Maybelline waterproof eyeliner which Does Not Move.  I forgot to take it off on Sunday night (well, I couldn't be bothered) and it was still there Monday morning!  Excellent for when you don't want someone to know what a total minger you are without any make-up at all!

Classic rock

I asked my fellow blogger "Texas" Steve if he'd seen The Darkness yet and he said 'I've seen them once, on Letterman, and I wasn't sure if I was supposed to laugh or rock'.  Now, this bewildered me and I've been thinking about it ever since.  Laughing and rocking are surely not mutually exclusive.  In fact, since my husband introduced me to so-called classic rock, I've found it to be hilarious.  That's what I like about it. 

Bon Jovi - "I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride."  Def Leppard - "Do you take sugar?  One lump or two?"  Everything about Whitesnake (I saw David Coverdale interviewed once about the crapness of his lyrics and his response was "I never said I was Billy Shakespeare".  Billy!  The arse.)  Sebastian Bach.  Have you seen his "crib"?  He's got a Kiss "fountain" that bubbles blood! 

Steve went on to say that he liked Queen.  Queen!  And he doesn't know whether to laugh or rock?  Fat Bottomed Girls anyone?  I love Queen for the same reason I love The Darkness - great tunes and a sense of humour.  This is why I do not like Daniel Bedingfield. 

David buys Classic Rock magazine and every month I pounce on it and read out the most hilarious bits I can find.  There are always plenty.  Most rock bands are more Spinal Tap than Spinal Tap.  Which brings me to Van Halen.  How can you not laugh at David Lee Roth?  (I'll tell you after the gig at the end of Feb.) 

The difference I think is that The Darkness, Van Halen and Queen know that rock is inherently funny.  (I always thought that Def Leppard must know they're funny, but then I read an interview with them and they don't.  They really, really don't.)  (Oh, and if you ever get the chance to watch the film, Hysteria: The Def Leppard Story, do not miss it.  It's really funny.  Unintentionally.)

On the subject of Spinal Tap, we went to see A Mighty Wind last night.  (I don't know about rock, folk truly is the devil's music.)  But the film was brilliant.  Eugene Levy, who seemed to be channelling Ozzy Osborne (Sabbath! hilarious!), was amazing.  I can't believe how talented these people are.  They (Christopher Guest and Eugene Levy) wrote the story and Christopher Guest directed it, it was totally improvised (how?  how?), they sang and played their own instruments.  And every single one of them sang brilliantly and played beautifully.  Catherine O'Hara learned to play the autoharp for God's sake.  Sickening.  And brilliant.

Mostly pregnancy stuff

Right.  First of all - have a read of this: Zoe Williams, brilliant as usual.  One of the things illustrating the article was an advert for Lux soap from the 1920s which warned "girls" working in offices that they were at risk of "undie odour" (seriously, that's what it said) unless they washed their delicates with Lux.  And, just to strike terror into these poor girls' hearts, it pointed out that undie odour can't be detected by the culprit, only by others.  Argh! 

And some pregnancy recommendations since probably half (or maybe a third) of you readers are currently pregnant (Hello Jo!  Hello Susan!). 

Get a slide and glide rocking chair with a footstool.  They're not pretty but oh. my. god.  We put it together last night and I sat on it and immediately turned into Chandler (or Joey).  And it reclines.  The only problem with it is that once I'd sat down I couldn't face getting back up so poor David had to put up with "Pass me my drink", "Pass me the paper", "Pass me the remote".  We were going to put it in the "baby's room", but it's staying downstairs for now (and I'm moving it closer to the telly - perfect for watching my trash faves Rich Girls and Cribs - tape it until you see Richard & Kimora Simmons' mansion, how can anyone have so much money?). 

Also listened to my Natal Hypnotherapy Pregnancy Relaxation CD yesterday.  Lovely.  Relaxing.  Made me cry (although that's not saying much).  I was wide awake before I listened to it and then slept for an extra two hours after.  And the woman seems to be trying to hypnotise me into not getting stretchmarks or constipation, which is alright with me! 

And a non-recommendation.  Read The Fat Ladies Club cos I got it free with a magazine.  Don't know what the fuss was about.  Mildly interesting only.

Top Onion horoscopes

Pisces: (Feb. 19-March 20)

You may be worried about those strange voices in your head. Don't be. Those are your "thoughts."

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)

You are slowly making progress in the area of leaving quietly when people are done having sex with you.

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Experience is a great teacher. This week, it will teach you your Miranda rights, the difference between a polecat and a skunk, and what a sucker punch is.

Capricorn: (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

There are some things in this universe that mankind was never meant to know. The boring details of your trip to South Dakota are among them.

Baby's first dance

You know how I love The Darkness?  Well apparently the baby does too.  This morning we were listening to Permission to Land in the car and, during Dancing on a Friday Night, there was definite ... well, it felt like crawling about!  So I had a little weep and then got back to rockin'! 

On the subject of The Darkness, they have a song called Growing on Me which I thought was sort of sexy and sort of romantic.  It seems to be about Justin really fancying a woman who he can't stand and he's embarrassed to be attracted to.  Well, we've all been there.  I was a bit worried at the line I won't have a life until you're dead, but I was prepared to overlook it.  It was mainly the line I wanna touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences that did it for me.  Anyway, in an interview in Q magazine I discovered the disappointing (but very funny) truth.  Here are the lyrics: 

I can't get rid of you
I don't know what to do
I don't even know who is growing on who
'Cos everywhere I go you're there
Can't get you out of my hair
Can't pretend that I don't care - it's not fair

I'm being punished for all my offences
I wanna touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences
I wanna banish you from whence you came
But you're part of me now
And I've only got myself to blame

You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)
You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)
Any fool can see

Sleeping in an empty bed
Can't get you off my head
I won't have a life until you're dead
Yes, you heard what I said

I wanna shake you off but you just won't go
And you're all over me but I don't want anyone to know
That you're attached to me, that's how you've grown
Won't you leave me, leave me alone

Turns out it's about pubic lice.  Yes.  Of course it is.  Sigh.

Why I prefer to believe The West Wing is real:

"When I sleep, I dream about a great discussion with experts and ideas and diction and energy and honesty. And when I wake up, I think, 'I can sell that.'"

- Martin Sheen as President Bartlet in The West Wing

"Sometimes, when I sleep at night, I dream about 'Hop on Pop'"

- George W. Bush, in a speech about childhood education, 2 April 2002

New Year's Recommendations

Don't believe in New Year's Resolutions anymore.  ("Lose weight" has been one of them since about 1982 and it's never happened.  And it's certainly not going to now - although I should lose at least a stone in one go when I give birth - yay!)  Decided on New Year's Recommendations instead.  Some of the following I have already recommended but they definitely bear repeating. 

The Darkness 'Permission to Land' - Yes, I know I keep banging on about this, but it really is a great, fun album.  Since the only other CDs I bought last year where Beyonce and Justin and both were highly disappointing, The Darkness it is. 

Apparently George Michael's new album is out "in March".  I'll believe it when I see it.  And it's called 'Patience'.  The cheeky get. 

New series of ER starts next week to fill the West Wing shaped hole in my soul.  How can they top the genius that was introducing Romano's arm to a helicopter?  Well one of the ads shows a helicopter FALLING OFF THE ROOF OF THE HOSPITAL!!!!  How excited am I?  Oh and I've just ordered the whole of Series 1 on video (yes, video).  Dr Ross, how I've missed you. 

The Shops by India Knight - this is a lovely, lovely book.  Especially if, like me, you believe that one day you will own a house in the country with a trampoline in the garden and have your regular delicatessen deliver there every summer.  Yes, it's aspirational, but it's also beautifully written, contains oodles of good advice and a few good laughs and it's just a lovely cosy comfort read for a rainy winter's day.  I can't recommend it highly enough.  (In fact, go and buy it right now - it's half price in Waterstone's.)

And, like India Knight, I've recently discovered the double joy of shopping online.  When you go and buy something in an actual shop you get one cheap thrill - you hands your money over, you gets your goods and the moment's gone.  When you buy online, you get the thrill of purchase and then, when the warm glow has worn off, you realise that you've still got actually getting the stuff to look forward to, and then, a few days later, you get the stuff!  Double (or maybe even treble) the fun! 

Lost in Translation - anyone who thought Love Actually was romantic, go and see this (and if you don't like it, don't tell me, cos I won't be your friend).  It's a lovely, beautifully acted film with the added bonus that David didn't keep leaning over and saying "Bollocks" and "As if!" and "Oh, for God's sake".  It'll warm the cockles of your heart and, if you're anything like my husband, Scarlett Johansson will warm the cockles of your trousers, but we won't go into that. 

That's it (for now).  If anyone has any recommendations for me they would be gratefully received.  Particularly for CDs.  Really, I'm 32, I can't just listen to Robbie all the time.

Happy New Year

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas or Hannukah or non-secular celebration or whatever.  Just a quick pressie list today as I should be working ... just imagine the Generation Game conveyor belt rolling by ("Life ... is the name of the game ... and I wanna play the game with you!")

Teachers Series 1 DVD
Bailey's minis
Dave Gorman's Googlewhack Adventures
Satsumas
This Diary Will Change Your Life
Chocolate orange truffles
Chocolate Orange Snowball
Style City New York
The Framley Examiner
6 Feet Under Companion
Next vouchers
George W Bushisms Volume II
Avent "Future Mother" bath and shower gel
Avent "Future Mother" "Must-Haves"
Clinique Simply
New York calendar
Humphrey's Corner calendar
Calendar featuring my nephews: Jake & Toby
Brown suede diary
Boots "Sleep" Hot Chocolate, mug and whisk
Candles
Cash money! 
Baby blanket and towels

... and ...

a Cuddly Toy (basset hound)

Phew ... got a bit carried away with the links there, but I think you'll agree I did quite well for myself!  Hope everyone else is as happy with their pressies.